The afterlife is not what I expected. Burning my body was a mistake, although I suppose I move more freely without. Holding on to the notions of being limited by a physical form. Being dumped into a river isn’t all it seems. Before I exited my body I use to think that if my ashes were let into the environment I’d stay in the picture moment forever. Water doesn’t stay still, it is the child of the photo. I feel everything. The wind blowing against the debris of burnt skin. Handful by handful my essence gives way to the wind. The water is gentle but swift. Sly as it whisks up my being, and then it’s no longer my essence; not solely anyway. I am everywhere; the sensation is fascinating.
I would be lying if I said I haven’t been avoiding this page. This blank screen that stares at me and challenges all of my thoughts. A mighty bear tamer, this screen is. It has the ability to make the bulk of my thoughts back into a corner only pitching a low growl but daring not to come closer. The past couple of weeks have been a crumbling mountain. I don’t even want to reflect on all that has happened but here in the last few days I have been able to find jewels among the ruble. Grateful. I’d like to step forward. Tenderly, I’d like to come out of the cage. Pardon myself bear tamer.
I know that logic wins every battle and yet I can’t stop the way I feel. It’s selfish but I’m past caring who is wrong. I just know that I’m tired of trying to no avail. My spirit is withered and my thoughts are meddled. It’s so tough to argue a point of view that has so many strings pulling at it. Pros and cons; I’ve weighed them all. If potential is all that is there then reality is fractured and it isn’t worth pretending. We aren’t happy here. This is no dark cloud, it’s an everyday affair. Wake up and frown because the good times don’t outweigh the bad. Sad truth. I need to stop letting what could be drive what is…tomorrow won’t be different. I’ll still wake up wondering when things will change. I know it’s not all one person’s fault and that some self-reflection is due but dammit I deserve to be happy. I don’t love the person you are; I love the person you are so good at playing. Find the courage to stand up – I scream it every day in my head. Doubt. What am I to do with these torturous thoughts? I don’t want to leave you but I want nothing more than to be away. Is it that I really love you or am I just dependent and lonely? Sad truths. Lost and confused. I think it’s time to say done.
Bud light and a cigarette. Simultaneously rewarding in their poisonous venture. I let them embrace me to the core as I contemplate what it means to be here. My thoughts are invaded by the dark skies portrayed in the songs playing in the background. “The darkness holding me tightly”, yea that’s accurate. “When the picture’s crumbled up, it can’t be whole again.” The real life applications are terrifying. Let’s rectify this foreseen tragedy before it has its moment to truly strike. Preemptive measures. How careless this summer break has been. However there are purely positive prospects in the near future. Their coming. Time to fasten the belt. Overdrive. To proceed, the vision must be a committed one. I can’t see the end but I can choose my immediate path. Is that sane? Is it logically possible to come out on top when the ultimate goal hasn’t yet been fathomed? The ramblings of my ‘summer break’ haunt me as I take another sip of my cold brew.
the word that stops us in our tracks.
You must be willing to bend if you plan on reaching success.
It’s a scary thought,
at least when you’re as selfish as I.
Like the bound foot,
it takes years to achieve through a painful process,
but if you believe its for the better – bind away.
I believe it’s for the better.
We have to be able to look beyond ourselves,
even if it makes us want to pout.
Temper tantrums are not attractive,
but they are abundant.
My gut clenches around the bend.
I don’t think it was chance, that he’d be the only other single one on my trip.
I don’t consider myself lucky, that we jumped into this pool of emotion.
No it wasn’t fate, but purely primal attraction,
A couple cups of Jack, and all day on a mountain.
The stars didn’t allign, but how brightly they shimmered
Really did me in, while the dew stuck to his fro.
Sure he comes with baggage, but don’t we all?
This guy is shaping my future, the one I met at Rainbow Falls.